Ryan D. Smith

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes

Senate Office Building

309 Hart

Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue

Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the

Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for

becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to

illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate

and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is

accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five

years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and

income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I

see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures

it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay

taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of

taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can

apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result

for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local

emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped

paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save

almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be

that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law

school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges

throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden

of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance

premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college

age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal

(retroactively If possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be

most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Jesus Sanchez (aka Greg McGlaughlin)

P.S. Could you also explain it to me once more WHY do I have to "Press 1

for English?

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service

1-800-289-1040. Please pass this on to your friends so they can save

on this great offer!!!!

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.  In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:  Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.  Later, some of the liberals actually became women. Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them. Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. Now it all makes sense!